Be the “Bowl” to Have Connection, Intimacy and Trust in Marriage

Trust in marriage comes when intimacy and connection are strong. Intimacy and connection are fed by nurturing communication habits that serve and respect who you both are naturally. The 4-minute video at the bottom of this page is about one of the most powerful communication tips we deliver in the Between Men and Women workshop. If you prefer to read, here is a transcription.

Enjoy, and please leave a comment below!  

TRANSCRIPTION – Be the Bowl

Hey there! We just finished the “Between Men And Women” Couples Communication Retreat in Canmore, Alberta. My name is Donna Tosky, and I’m the facilitator of that retreat.

So it’s April and it’s beautiful here in the mountains. We’re in Banff National Park.

Now this is for for everybody, of course, but it’s also a reminder for the people who just came out of the retreat because I’m going to send this to you guys.

So there were 7 couples in this retreat, and I speak with everyone before they come in. Seven of the women said a big complaint was that, “He doesn’t listen.” Okay, so this video addresses that.

“Troubles Talk”…Say Whaaaaaat?

Here’s what’s going on. Deborah Tannen, who is a sociolinguist, tells us that when women lead a conversation coming from something stressful that’s happened during the day, it’s because they just kind of want to vent. She calls that “troubles talk”. For instance, her husband comes in the door, and she says things are crazy at work, and the kids have been driving me nuts, and everything in the kitchen is broken or whatever it is. He can listen to her for about a minute. Then he goes to his temporal parietal region of his brain and is looking for the fix.

What Does It Mean to “Be the Bowl”?

So I just want to remind all of you that just came out of the retreat, and anybody else who’s listening in on this, the reason her husband occurs like he isn’t listening is because he is either thinking, “Well I can’t do anything about that, so what are you talking to me for?”, or he will want to give the fix…and that’s not what she wants.

My message to the men, therefore, is to consider that you’re kind of like a bowl, an empty bowl. When she speaks to you she gets to land inside the bowl. What she’s trying to do in her conversation…with her troubles talk…is get connected to you. The problem is that she can’t get connected to you when you put your fix in the space, or when you put your judgment, or your assessment, or your logic, or even your humor into the space before she gets a chance to get connected to you.

What Does Being the Bowl Have to Do With Connection and Trust in Marriage?

You could consider it this way. When she is talking to you, you may not know exactly what she wants, but you will be making a really smart guess if you just be present and be like an empty bowl to let her land inside of. I know that might not make sense, but it’s kind of my best analogy. Her words can’t land inside the bowl if you put your logic in there, or you put your fix in there, or even your humor in there. It’s not that your fix or your assessment or your judgment or your advice is not of any value. She just can’t hear it in that moment. She’s got to get connected to you first, and that’s how she does it – by venting and knowing that you’re present and that you’re actually listening, and she gets to say whatever she gets to say. She’s kind of blowing off charge. That’s what she’s doing.

So I just wanted to put that out there. That’s what’s going on when women say, “You don’t listen.” That’s what you can do. Just be the bowl. Show up. Just be the bowl. Be present. Refrain from giving her the fix, or from giving her your logic or your assessment, or your “talk to the hand” or even your humor. Okay, thanks for listening! Bye!

Want More?

Guys wouldn’t it be a relief knowing that you don’t always have to come up with the “fix” (unless you know that’s what she wants!)? And ladies, would it be awesome to have him just listen to you and connect rather than him trying to solve whatever the problem is right off the bat?

For some who attend the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat, that insight alone changes the quality of their communication, which transforms the quality of their relationship.

And that insight is just one of the many natural psychological, sociological and biological factors that distinguish men and women, and that inform so much of what we think and how we react with each other. It’s also just one of the many insights, strategies, and tips that you’ll get and be able to put to use immediately when you attend the “Between Men and Women” retreat.

Fully understanding these natural differences is how you’ll reduce the frequency and intensity of fights, and increase the peace and connection in your relationship and the trust in marriage.

Getting that understanding is exactly what the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat is all about. The next retreat is just a few weeks away. For full details, including dates and prices, please visit www.betweenmenandwomen.com.

And remember…At Between Men and Women you don’t change because you don’t have to.
Your communication, however, will change immediately.