Stronger Marriage: 5 myths that stop you from fixing a troubled relationship is designed to show you what stops a couple from getting started to get the help they may need.
Why should you care about these 5 myths?
These myths matter because if you hold one or more of them to be true, not only will you end up doing nothing, you will likely drop into a deep resignation. As a result, this will have you think your situation is hopeless.
When it comes to wanting things to be better between you, hopelessness and helplessness is a dangerous place to be.
I’ve been facilitating weekend Alberta couple’s retreats for almost 15 years and have personally worked with all kinds of couples in all kinds of situations. Not that long ago I came across a statistic that said 8 out of 10 couples are struggling in their communication / relationship / marriage. Meanwhile most of them are not talking about it to find a solution.
That’s a very high number!
Since 2008, I’ve had the pleasure to speak to each and every person (except for 2) that has come into the Alberta “Between Men and Women” Couple’s Communication Retreat. Each of them, of course, is wanting a stronger marriage or looking to fix a troubled relationship.
So that’s hundreds of people I’ve spoken to and interviewed personally and privately. This is where I learn first-hand about the kind of an experience my couples are having and exactly what it is they want.
In these discussions with participants, one of the things I often ask is, “Does anybody know that you’re attending a couple’s retreat this weekend?” If I had a dollar for every time I have heard, “Oh no… nobody knows!” I’d be very rich!
Why people don’t talk about their troubled relationship.
There are generally one of two reasons people don’t talk about their troubled relationship to others.
Reason #1: They don’t want to cause alarm. They don’t want to scare their children, their friends or their family, so they don’t tell anyone.
Reason #2: Another thing they say to me is, “Everybody thinks we‘re the ideal couple. We don’t want to disappoint them. We don’t want them knowing that we’re not the ideal couple!”
What’s really going on?
Researchers in the area of marriage and relationship tell us that couples wait on average, six years too long to get the help they need. In my working with couples for a decade and a half I’ve realized there are 5 myths that stop couples from transforming struggle into a stronger marriage.
I’ve given a brief summary of the 5 myths that stop you from fixing a troubled marriage here, with links to a more detailed post for each one.
Myth 1: Couples SHOULD know how to fix a relationship.
First of all, it is somehow assumed that when our relationship or marriage needs it, we innately have the tools and skills to fix a troubled marriage. This is faulty logic, flat out wrong and because of this will likely lead to a delay in getting help along with either disappointment, disillusionment or both.
We think because we are IN relationship and already communicating … this somehow equates to knowing what we are doing. Nothing however could be further from the truth.
We’ve never been taught how to communicate effectively and don’t know what we’re doing.
Myth 2: Men and women talk and communicate the same way.
Secondly, have you noticed that when you and your partner think, feel and want the same things, there are no problems? It’s not our similarities that cause a troubled relationship. Rather it’s our differences that causes us problems.
It’s very difficult to improve communication to either build a stronger marriage or to fix a relationship when you are coming at any given problem from two very different directions.
Certainly, men and women communicate and talk differently and when we don’t acknowledge the differences between men and women, and how these differences affect our communication, we will be stopped early on in the process of trying to improve our situation.
Myth 3: Fixing a troubled relationship takes couple’s therapy or couple’s counselling.
Thirdly, of the hundreds of people I’ve spoken to coming into our Alberta couple’s retreat, about 80% of them say they have tried conventional therapy or counseling. They say that it didn’t work for them.
Martin Seligman, past president of the American Psychological Society cautions people and has said that in many cases couple’s therapy can make the situation worse.
When people attend therapy or counseling and it doesn’t work for them they get frightened, resigned and worried that there is nothing out there that will work. That’s simply not the case.
Myth 4: Fixing a troubled relationship requires talking about your problems.
Many people think they have to resolve their problems before they can experience a stronger marriage. Instead, talking about problems will often make things worse.
Myth 5: Fixing a troubled relationship requires going to the past.
Finally, many of the people I’ve spoken to are tired of “going to the past”, as they put it, particularly men. They are looking for a way to build a stronger marriage other than rehashing the same stuff yet again.
If you don’t have anything new with which to create a new result, rehashing old events will actually get in your way. You or your partner will be so turned off from going to the past that fixing your troubled relationship will begin to look hopeless, and you’ll give up before getting the help you need.
Conclusion
In conclusion, whether you are trying to build a stronger marriage or fixing a troubled relationship, you need to realize there are several myths hidden from your view that if you’re not mindful of, can sabotage you and stop you from getting the help you need.
Here’s a suggestion: Read and discuss these myths with your partner to see if either of you believe any of them. If you do, consider that those beliefs aren’t how it actually is, and feel the shackles that are keeping you from building a stronger marriage loosen and fall away.