This post will help you avoid criticism in marriage. Have a read, and leave a comment below with your experience and thoughts.
It’s all too common in relationship for one partner to make the other partner wrong, or to feel that the other partner is making you wrong.
How this shows up in relationship is as either criticism…making someone else wrong…or defensiveness…reacting to being made wrong.
These two tendencies – criticism and defensiveness – when they are a normal and ongoing part of any relationship, are two of the most common indicators that a divorce may be on the horizon.
If you see either of these showing up in your relationship, you need to do something different. In other words, something new needs to be put in the space to replace criticism and defensiveness with a way of being that is more empowering and sustainable.
So what is that “something new”?
At the root of criticism and defensiveness is disagreeing with your partner. Disagreements happen when we see things differently. One way to avoid criticism and defensiveness is remembering that seeing things differently is okay and perfectly natural. If there’s no room for seeing things differently, it will be very difficult to not only listen and communicate in the moment, but to also stay connected in the long-term.
So in practice, how do you make seeing things differently okay?
A good starting point is to remember these three tips:
- Remember, there will always be important things that you both have different views on – raising the kids, finances, health, where to go on holidays, what to do in retirement, amongst others. When these moments show up in your relationship, just remember that it’s okay. All that’s going on is that you see something differently. Don’t make it mean more than that. There’s no need to panic or to force one another to see things like the other person does. Instead of getting mad, try to understand each other’s position. Understanding is the first step in coming to a solution that you can both accept.
- Guys, this one is for mostly for you. A great way men can help women is by being present to them…by being there to listen when things in her world are going amok. Just be there and listen. Hold whatever she has to pour out without judgement, criticism or offering a fix (unless that’s what she wants).
- Often criticism and defensiveness come from not listening…not truly. We hear the words, but we’re too busy formulating our response to really get what the other person is saying. A simple way to avoid this is by simply repeating to your partner what they just said before responding. This ensures that you “get” where the other person is coming from. “Getting” the other person does two things. First, it helps you understand each other, which can often diffuse tense situations on its own. Second, it ensures that your response is relevant and constructive rather than reactive.
The above are important ways to prevent criticism and defensiveness in your relationship.
But three paragraphs won’t really make the difference over the long term.
To fully experience true PEACE, CONFIDENCE and EASE in your relationship over the long-term, join us for the next “Between Men and Women” Online Couples Communication Workshop. Click here for full details and upcoming dates!