If you could dramatically reduce defensiveness in marriage in 2 days, would you?
Defensiveness in marriage is a key cause of struggle between partners, so that may sound like a silly question, but the answer for most people is, “No”. I know that because if the answer was “Yes”, most people would get the relationship support they need. The unfortunate reality is that most people don’t.
An unsettling fact is that 8 out of 10 couples are struggling in their relationship. Yes, you read that right….8 out of 10…80% of couples!
With that in mind, if people answered “Yes” to ending the defensiveness, our 2-day retreat and the myriad of other courses that are available would all be overflowing. The reality is, however, that relatively few people truly put their relationship first and commit to putting struggle behind them.
Why? Maybe they think it’s too hard.
It’s certainly not easy, but it’s not as complicated as most people think either. Let’s take a look.
WHAT CAUSES RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLE?
Well…there’s many causes of struggle, but one that is really common with the couples I coach is DEFENSIVENESS. Someone says something, the other takes offence, they argue, and then they don’t talk for 3 days.
That is NOT a recipe for enjoying your relationship, or your life. It just makes things really hard and really frustrating.
What if that struggle could be significantly reduced simply by putting a lid on defensiveness in marriage so it rears it’s head less often or even rarely? Can you imagine what that would be like?
- The peace of mind.
- The safety.
- The trust.
- The confidence.
- The connection.
- No more walking on egg shells.
- No more minding your P’s and Q’s.
- No more beating yourself up because you “Lost it again!”
- No more wondering whatever happened to that person you married.
Whew…Now that’s a vision to live into!
Knowledge is power, so to help you move in the direction of that vision, let’s unpack what’s going on when you or your partner gets defensive.
WHAT CAUSES DEFENSIVENESS IN MARRIAGE?
Defensiveness happens because humans are masters at “collapsing” or “blending” things together without realising it. We are blending machines. It’s normal. The Magic Bullet has nothing on us!
Defensiveness happens when we blend INTENT and IMPACT. Here’s how that looks. Let’s say your partner says something to you, and you find it to be hurtful. You respond with, “You know, that really hurt! I didn’t deserve that.”
What can happen is that your partner feels pushed on. In their mind (if not out loud) they say, “My intention wasn’t to hurt you, so you shouldn’t be hurt. There’s nothing wrong with what I said.” Then they lash out in defence of what they said or accuse you of being too sensitive.
They’ve collapsed intention and impact. Since the intention wasn’t to hurt you, the impact couldn’t be that you were hurt. They assume that the impact will reflect the intention…that the impact naturally falls in line with the intention. And if you see it differently, you’re wrong, and it’s your problem so stop complaining about it. They’ve collapsed the intention with the impact, so they feel justified in defending their position.
Now remember, it goes the other way too. Your partner says something that you feel hurt by. Because you feel hurt, you assume that their intention was to hurt you. You’ve collapsed the impact…being hurt…with what you believe the intention was…to hurt you. Now you get defensive and accusatory and the argument is on.
HOW TO DEFUSE DEFENSIVENESS
There are several ways to dullen the sharp edge of defensiveness in marriage. For our purposes here, a key method is to separate the intention from the impact. In other words, just because you didn’t intend to hurt your partner doesn’t mean that what you said didn’t hurt them. Or, just because what your partner said hurt you, doesn’t mean that they intended to hurt you.
It’s not always cause and effect. You need to keep the two separate rather than jumping to conclusions. It takes mental self-discipline to do this, And mental self-discipline becomes easier when you are committed to a peaceful outcome and a happy marriage.
Donna Tosky is founder of the SPARK Communication Success System for couples and co-founder of the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Success Online Retreat. For over 15 years, she has helped 100’s of couples in all stages of struggle rebirth fun, connection and partnership in their relationship. For more about Donna and about the upcoming “Between Men and Women” online retreats, visit www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com .