In this article, I’m going to be giving you information about the popular Alberta couples retreat called the “Between Men And Women” Couples Communication Retreat. In particular, I’ll be telling you who this retreat is for, along with who this retreat is not for. This article is one of a complete series where I sum up and address most of the common questions that people have asked me over the past 15 years.

My name is Donna Tosky and I am the co-founder and lead facilitator of the “Between Men And Women" Couples Communication Retreat and the founder of the SPARK  Communication Success System for Couples. I’ve been the lead facilitator for this particular couples retreat since 2005 and 100’s of couples have participated between now and then. 

To attend this Alberta couples retreat, do we have to be married and in a long term relationship?

I’ve taken a lot of calls from people in all types of different situations looking for an Alberta couples retreat, wanting to know if this particular retreat is a fit for them. 

In general they ask, “Who is this retreat for and will it be a fit for me and my partner?” 

More specifically they ask, “We've been married for forty five years ... do you have any experience dealing with people such as us” or “We've only been dating for six months, is it appropriate for us to be there even though we don’t live under the same roof and haven’t been together for very long? ”

So, if you’ve been dating for 6 months and you want to lay down the foundation of healthy communication before bad habits take hold, this Alberta couple’s retreat is for you.

By the same token, if you've been married for 45 years and you’re struggling with your communication and need things to be better between you, this retreat is also for you.

Do singles ever attend this Alberta couples retreat?

Although the retreat is attended mostly by couples, the odd time we get one person that wants to come in without a partner. It could be that person is recently separated/divorced looking to broaden his/her perspective for what happened in the marriage that resulted in the split.  In addition, we sometimes see long time single people come in that have a “history” with relationship and want to know how they can avoid past patterns to create something new and fulfilling moving forward into the future.  

In fact, it doesn’t matter how old you are, it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together.  The reason is because healthy and effective communication crosses all boundaries irrespective of circumstances. 

First and foremost , this  Alberta couples retreat is for people that want to get a handle on how to generate clean, clear communication no matter what their situation. 

It should be noted that people from all over the country attend and we’ve also had couples from the United States come up to join us here in Alberta.

Which types of couples do the weekend Alberta couples retreat?

All sorts of couples do the “Between Men And Women” Couples Communication Retreat and they often have very different circumstances. Here are the type of circumstances couples are  commonly dealing with:

Couples dealing with conflict that often ends in hostility and anger.

Firstly, we see couples come in who are really struggling in their relationship.

They especially have a lot of conflict going on that ends in hostility and anger, yet they’re very clear they want to stay together.  

Not only do they know they need to improve their communication, they also know they need to get it “cleaned up” in order to reduce the resentment that's going on between them.

Resentment has been piling up on itself and because of this, attack and defensiveness easily gets out of hand.  

So in spite of wanting to be together they are classified as an angry,hostile couple where at least one of the partners deals with conflict by a show of outward aggression and things escalate quickly.   Also, over time this couple may begin to avoid conflict altogether by honoring specific “no go zones” in order to avoid the usual fight pattern that plays out.

Conflict avoidant couples where one or both partners shut down.

Secondly, in contrast to the first type of couple there are the couples that rarely fight or don’t fight at all.  Not only do these people tend to avoid conflict by honoring “no go zones” but one or both partners will tend to shut down when there is conflict.  

In either case, something may have happened that as a result, eroded trust.  Maybe there’s been some sort of infidelity, career change or death in the family.  In many cases there has been some sort of transition that is creating unresolved conflict between them. 

The main thing is that these couples know they want to be together and they know they need a new way to communicate and are looking for new ways to relate to one another. 

One or both partners not sure they want to stay in the relationship/marriage.

Thirdly,  we have couples where either one or both partners are not sure they want to stay in the relationship.  Those people are pretty clear they don't want to continue with the way it is now.

In addition to struggling for a long time, they’re not really convinced things could be different and in contrast to the first two couple types, are not necessarily coming in to save their marriage. 

The big question these people are asking themselves is, ”If we did stay together what would it look like? What kind of a new way of relating could we create to make this look different?”

These people are coming in to this Alberta couples retreat for clarity.  They’re not comfortable making any kind of a final commitment until they see a clear pathway to change. . 

Partners are good friends but living like roommates.

Along with those, there are couples coming into the retreat where the relationship has fallen flat.  They will describe themselves as friends and might even say “our marriage is pretty good but there's a lack of intimacy”.  

These couples will often have places where they just don’t go in their conversations with one another. They may sense they are going their separate ways, have different interests and no longer have anything in common.   

These folks are looking for some juice….  for some new energy … they want to create a different kind of exchange between themselves.

Are there situations where couples should not attend this Alberta couples retreat?

This retreat is not helpful if the couple is dealing with domestic violence or abuse. In the event of abuse, the partners are better off separated until they can get the professional help they need.  

Also, this retreat does not treat addiction. I show couples how to renew and sustain their connection by learning a new model of communication. Effectively dealing with addiction requires special training. 

This Alberta couples retreat is not for close mindedness.

If either one of you are really close minded and not willing to hear about how you could create a new experience for yourself, this retreat is not for you.

Some people are simply stubborn and what’s really been going on in the back of their mind is “you can't tell me anything that I don't already know”  or “I don't need anything and I'm not open to anything”. 

This Alberta couples retreat is not to “fix” your partner.

This retreat is also not for you if you’re coming in with the sole intention to “fix” your partner.  Of course, all couples are looking for change but if you have the attitude that “everything is over there with my husband/wife” and that “I really have nothing to do with any of this”, then this retreat will likely not work for you. In fact, there are two people in the relationship and when one puts all of the focus on the other, they themselves can miss out on what they could be doing to contribute to a significant improvement. 

The Alberta couples retreat doesn’t tell people who or what to want.

Here’s another situation that won’t work for people. It sounds like this: “I want you to convince my partner to stay with me …. I’m hoping you’ll make them want to be with me”.   This is a big mistake . I really want to emphasize that nobody can make someone want to be with another person. That’s between the two of you. Having said that, there are things we do with our partner that attracts them to us along with things we do that turn our partner off.  These are things you should be paying attention to rather than hoping an outsider will have the power to keep your attraction alive.  

I hope you’ll read the rest of the articles in this series where I go on to explain more about how the Alberta couples retreat works.  I’ll be telling you exactly what type of content we cover,what happens over the weekend along with how your privacy is maintained in the group setting.

For the next dates of our “Between Men And Women” Alberta couple’s retreat click here or to get valuable tips, techniques and tools you can use to improve the communication with your partner click here.