Handling Relationship Fights as Parents

Relationship fights are a reality. A lot of parents come to our “Between Men and Women” Online Couples Communication Workshop, and when you’re married and have kids, it’s inevitable that at some point, you will fight around the children. That’s normal. At the bottom of this page there’s a quick video to let you know how to handle it so everyone comes out okay. If you prefer reading, the transcript is below.

Transcript – Handling Relationship Fights as Parents

Hi there. My name is Donna Tosky. I’m the co-founder of the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreats and the founder of the SPARK Communication Success System for couples.

Today I’m going to talk about conflict and your children, and what type of conflict is unhealthy for your children.

So as you know, I regularly do couples retreats. Sometimes couples tell me, “We never ever argue or have any kind of conflict in front of the children, ever.”

I’m not so sure that that’s exactly healthy. Kids need to have some kind of a model, like you. They need to see that conflict is a reality. That’s what they’re going to see in the real world. That’s what’s going to happen for them in their marriage or relationship. They’re going to come up against their partner, they’re going to disagree on something, or they’re going to have a different point of view.

Kids need to see how conflict is handled. So it’s not about avoiding conflict. That’s not the answer. It’s okay. Conflict can be healthy. It’s how it’s dealt with that matters.

Here’s what’s not healthy. What’s not healthy to do in front of your children is to blame the other person or to involve the kids in the conflict. In other words, sometimes people try to get the kids on their side, like, “Here’s what your father did to me yesterday,” or “Your mother, she’s just crazy!” You don’t want to put the kids in the middle. You don’t want the kids taking sides. In addition, you don’t want to be enrolling your children in the “faults” of your spouse. You don’t want to be saying things like, “I’m just going to divorce your father.” When you involve your children on that level, it’s really, really unhealthy.

How to Handle Relationship Fights When the Kids Are Around

But it’s not unhealthy for children to see you in conflict and to see how you handle that…that you don’t freak out, that you keep the intensity down, that it’s not the end of the world, and that every disagreement doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.

It’s really important for kids to see how you deal with conflict. One way to deal with conflict is just to put everybody’s point of view up on the table and to focus on the problem…not so that the other person or your partner is the problem, but so that the problem is the problem. You know there’s you, there’s your partner, and then there’s the “problem”. That’s the best way to do it. Get together and deal with the problem rather than being adversarial with one another.

Thanks for listening, and I would love to hear your comments below.

Reduce the Frequency and Intensity of Relationship Fights Fast

Conflict is a reality in relationships. It’s inevitable, but it doesn’t have to drive the show. There are healthy ways to deal with conflict, and to reduce the frequency and intensity of arguments in marriage. Wouldn’t that be nice!

It’s important to remember that the argument, or even what you are arguing about, is not always where you need to put your attention to get the most benefit. The argument, or the issue that led to the argument, is the result of a deeper underlying reality that’s hidden from our view. If you don’t deal with that underlying reality, the issue tends to keep popping up.

What is that underlying reality? Well, science, psychology and even our own day-to-day experiences are showing that very real differences between men and women directly affect how we perceive and respond to events around us. When we don’t understand these differences, we expect our partners to react a certain way. When they don’t react that way, tensions mount and arguments erupt.

Fully understanding these differences can transform your communication, can re-calibrate your expectations, and as I said, can reduce the frequency and intensity of arguments in marriage almost immediately.

Providing that understanding is exactly what the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat is all about. The next retreat is just a few weeks away. For full details, including dates and prices, please visit www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com.

And remember…At Between Men and Women you don’t change because you don’t have to. Your communication, however, will change immediately.