Happy Relationships Require Boundaries

What do happy relationships have to do with boundaries? Well, bare with me. I’ll get there soon. Here’s a little story first.

Donna and I enjoyed a bit of a getaway this weekend.

We packed up a few things and rented a house through VRBO to enjoy a change of scenery and get some work done.

Everything was great.

A little thing we noticed, however, was the cutlery. Yes, you read that right…the cutlery. The cutlery had no “edges”. The stem was round, and it kind undulated in a wavy pattern. The cutlery was nice, but it’s functionality was compromised because without edges, or defined “boundaries”, they were difficult to hold and to turn in our hands.

ARE BOUNDARIES GOOD OR BAD?

“Boundaries” often get a bad wrap today. We have it that they infringe on our freedom. And some types of boundaries do.

Other boundaries, however, are very useful, and even essential to how we live our lives.

For instance, consider how the banks of a river create boundaries that protect surrounding communities from flooding.

Or how national boundaries guide the flow of people and commerce, as well as the application of rules and regulations that create order and safety.

And think about how respecting personal boundaries generates trust, safety and connection.

Boundaries provide structure, guidance, safety and predictability.

WHAT DO BOUNDARIES HAVE TO DO WITH HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS?

The same applies to your relationship.

Men and women have natural “boundaries”. By boundaries I mean natural qualities that define who they are, how they are in life, how they respond to life, and what perspectives and reactions they have regarding circumstances that take place.

Today, these boundaries are often questioned. Little boys are told to stop playing with guns or playing cowboys and Indians, and to replace that with less “violent” games like house. It’s said that men should be more emotional, and to not just let their feminine side be expressed (which can be healthy), but to repress their natural masculinity as a problem.

Little girls are discouraged from dreaming and encouraged to be more practical. Then women are asked to suppress their desire for what they want in life – they put a lid on themselves because being their natural free, vibrant and expressed selves might create problems. Some make women wrong for wanting to stay home with the kids, or say they are thinking small if they aren’t planning to run a company or take men on in what are traditionally considered “male” roles.

As a result, we have confusion. When these boundaries aren’t acknowledged in relationship, who we are as men and women become blurred. We expect our partners to react in life and in relationship how we think they should. We come to one another with unrealistic expectations, partially due to what society is telling us are appropriate behaviors for men and women, and partially because of a lack of our own awareness of who men and women. A lot of this confusion in relationship and marriage can be overcome when we respect the boundaries that define who men and women are naturally.

SO WHO ARE MEN AND WOMEN NATURALLY?

That’s a big question that can’t be answered fully in this post. After all, it takes two days to lay this out for participants in the “Between Men and Women” Couples Communication Retreat.

Here’s a few keys to keep in mind…

Men are (amongst many other things)…

• Producers – They feel best when they are producing in life. Producing, and being appreciated for it, is where men get their energy, purpose and drive. “Maintaining” is hard and can be monotonous.
• Focused – Men can multi-task, but they are more comfortable completing one thing at a time. This applies at work and at home.
• Functional communicators – They talk to produce an end. It’s hard to carry on a conversation that, for them, has no point or clear direction.

Women are (also, amongst many other things)…

• Desire – Desire is simply defined as what women want in life. They don’t just have desire. They ARE desire. That desire should be celebrated and expressed, not held down and stifled. It’s what gives women their energy, vibrancy and and life.
• Multi-taskers – Women are more comfortable multi-tasking than men. This is partially a factor of evolutionary biology in which women have had to evolve to look after more things at once when men were out hunting and gathering.
• Connective communicators – Women talk to connect with people. They don’t always want solutions. Often they just want to connect.

In the “Between Men and Women” Retreat, we reveal dozens of other differences that, like boundaries that are respected, create an opportunity for predictable, peaceful and freedom-enriched relationships. For upcoming dates, please visit www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com.

And remember…In Between Men and Women you don’t change because you don’t have to. Your communication, however, will change immediately.