Simple Tricks for Returning to Innocence in Your Relationship

Jason has two cards on his desk in his office. Both are from me. One is a entitled “For my Guy”. It’s very cool. The other has on its front a simple black and white photo of a young boy, maybe 5 or 6 years old, with his arm around a little, frizzy-haired girl as they walk through a park.

Jason and I love that second card. It’s a reminder of the innocence, purity and willingness to connect that kids seem to live effortlessly. That innocence is still in each of us. It seems, however, to become buried under the fears, frustrations, responsibilities, misunderstandings and disappointments we pick up as we grow older. As a result, we erect walls between ourselves and others. We tend to become suspicious and cynical. We lose faith in the wonder of life and in the people on this journey with us (who, by the way, are just as afraid as we are…Just sayin’).

Of course, this loss of innocence and trust happens in our personal intimate relationships, perhaps more than anywhere else. We put up walls when we get hurt, when we are lied to, when promises aren’t kept or when plans don’t materialize. When you get past these walls, however, not only will you and those around you feel better and more connected, there is a very real power you and your partner have together.

There are some simple ways to start rebuilding the natural innocence and trust we all crave in our relationships. Here’s three of them:

1) FOCUS ON WHAT YOU’RE FOCUSING ON

Here’s a quick and easy exercise I created for a workshop I used to do called the “Gender Gym”. You can do it right now. All you need is a pen and paper… and an open mind.

Here’s what you do…just become aware of what you are focusing on about your partner. Write down 10 things you love about your partner today. Write down 10 more things you loved about your partner when you first hooked up. Are any of them the same?

Realize that the traits you loved about your partner years ago are still there. You can still trust him or her like you once did if you choose to.

The difference is that now there are more reasons to do so because you know them better and have had more experiences together. It’s just a choice to focus more on what you love about your partner than what you don’t. That’s important enough to say again.

“It’s just a choice to focus more on what you love about your partner than what you don’t.”

Whatever you may feel you don’t control in your relationship, you do control what you focus on. Focus on what you love and admire about your spouse for a few weeks, and notice the difference in how you feel.

2) SPEND MEANINGFUL TIME TOGETHER

When Jason was a kid, his Dad worked out of town in the oil and gas industry, so he was away for a couple weeks at a time. 

When he came home, his parents had a practice. Jason’s Mom would pick an evening and lay out a romantic dinner just for the two of them in their bedroom. She made it clear that Jason and his brother were not to come knocking for any reason short of the house burning down. 

That evening was a time for Jason’s parents to reconnect. To talk about each other. To laugh and have fun. To put aside all the challenges and mundane day-to-day “stuff” and focus on each other (there’s that “f” word again…must be important!)

Now, you don’t need to have a romantic dinner, or do anything complicated. Just spend time with your partner doing something that means something to the two of you.

Remember this is about spending time together and focusing on each other. With that in mind, watching a movie or having friends over, or doing anything that can distract you from one another probably won’t do the trick.

How about trying:

• Going for walk.
• Taking a drive somewhere special or romantic.
• Sharing a treat together…ice cream, coffee, dessert, etc.
• Stargazing.
• Reading to each other.
• Making supper together.

3) THE LITTLE THINGS COUNT

If I’m still sleeping when Jason leaves for work, he always leaves a little note in the kitchen where I usually make myself breakfast.

It’s not a long note, and it’s not even romantic (usually). It’s just a simple note, but it lets me know that he is thinking about me, and that he cares.

Then throughout the day, we text each other to touch base, to let one another know what’s going on, to ask questions, and whatnot.

Again, it’s not complicated or intimate, but we’re connected. We know we’re thinking about each other, and that we’re a team.

What simple things can you do to show your partner that you’re thinking of them and that they are important to you?

• Notes
• Little gifts every so often
• Rubbing their back or a peck on the cheek as you pass by
• Sitting beside each other when watching TV instead of being across the room.
• Holding hands more often.

GOING DEEPER

Having your “heart-nership” evolve in the direction you want it to go is about understanding the invisible conversation that is always going on between you and your partner. For the complete blueprint of the perfection there is between you both attend an upcoming “Between Men and Women” Couples Relationship Retreat. For dates and details click here:

“Between Men and Women” Couples Relationship Retreat

As always, come back to comment on this post and on your experience if you tried the exercise.

In the meantime, Be Great!