If our "mind talk" was real we would all be hooped. So why do we give it so much power? Probably because we think it's real, rather than just a habit. Probably because we think it actually reflects our life, when in fact it creates it. Probably because it justifies our position - its proof we are right - thus discouraging us from the inconvenience of seeing things from someone else's perspective.  What does this have to do with relationship? Everything! Keep reading and we'll tell you how. I started thinking about this one morning when I was shaving. I noticed the inspirational book we kept by the sink, so I opened it to a random page - "February 4 - Observe Your Inner Dialogue". Here's what it said...

  "Anyone who has practiced meditation knows how difficult it can be to quiet our 'mind talk' in order to connect with our deeper, wise, intuitive mind. One traditional meditation practice is to simply observe the inner dialogue as objectively as possible. This is a valuable experience that allows you to become aware of the types of thoughts you habitually think. Many of these thoughts come from programming we picked up long ago, which is still influencing us. Once we recognize these thought patterns we can begin to change old habits. We can tell the difference between the limiting, habitual mind talk and the voice of our inner guidance." -Reflections in the Light: Daily Thoughts and Affirmations (Shakti Gawain)

Your inner dialogue - the thoughts you think or the "mind talk" we all have - is powerful. It affects how you feel about life and about yourself. We also have an inner dialogue about our partners and, yes, it affects how we feel about them too.  Those thoughts come from past experience with the opposite sex. They come from perceptions and (mis)understandings we pick up from the media or other influences. They come from things our partners have done or said. What's important to understand, however, is that these thoughts are not real. As Shakti Gawain said, those thoughts are habits, and habits can be broken. When you break habits that don't serve you, like repetitive negative thoughts about your partner, and shift them to positive thoughts your world and relationship shifts. Why? Because, as another contemporary thought leader says,

"Your thoughts become things. So choose the good ones." -Mike Dooley

In other words, how you think affects, and in fact, creates your future. How you habitually think about your partner is how they will show up because that's where you are putting your attention. It's all you see, so its all you get. So you might be asking, "How can I change habitual ways of thinking about my partner?" Well, here's a few tips:

1. Be consciously aware of what you are thinking about your partner. Make room for the possibility that those thoughts are not how your partner really is. Consider they are a story you made up about him or her, one that may not even have originated with him or her (remember the influence of media and social stereotyping?) There's huge power in that because if you made up the story in the first place, you have the ability to create a new one too.
2. Consciously replace those thoughts with what you want to experience. For instance, try thinking about how you held him or her when you first got together. That person is still there.
3. Whenever old, negative habitual thoughts crop up as they always will, simply thank them for sharing, send them on their way and replace them with new more empowering thoughts you created. That's how new habits are formed (not to mention how your future is manifested). It take a little practice and discipline, but isn't your relationship and happiness worth it?

It's easier to do this when you are able to step out of your normal life (the life which has nourished and multiplied negative thought patterns) and immerse yourself in new ideas, new ways of thinking about men and women, and new information grounded in science and objective observation. That's what you will get in the "Between Men and Women: Mastering the Bond" Relationship Wellness Weekend and our private couple's retreats. It's a gentle and fun weekend that will transform how you see yourself and your partner. Angst will dissolve in a sea of "A-ha" moments. Between Men and Women is a proven system that focuses on understanding the natural differences between the genders (and how they operate in the real world), rather than lumping men and women together without distinction as some counselling tends to do. Check out our website for all the information, and call us any time if you have questions or to register. Click here: "Between Men and Women" Couples Relationship Retreat

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